Do you tend to make slow decisions and move cautiously?
Do you tend to procrastinate on unpleasant or difficult tasks?
Do you prefer to maintain the status quo in terms of routines or habits?
Do you believe that conflict is generally bad?
Are you afraid of the fear and stress inherent in conflict?
Do you have difficulty saying no?
If your answers to most of these questions is yes, you may have what Shirzad Chamine refers to as an avoider saboteur in his Positive Intelligence book (2012). People with an avoider saboteur are generally well-balanced and value peace and harmony. They tend to be flexible and adaptable, and their ability to go with the flow makes them relatively non-judgemental of others, they can see lots of shades of grey.
Their psychological preference for flexibility means that they prefer to keep their options open when making plans or decisions, their Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) is likely to characterise them as perceivers. They yearn for a life full of pleasure and enjoyment in which they want to preserve peace and harmony with others and avoid unpleasant tasks or conflict.
In some cases, avoiding conflict may be appropriate. For example, when there are more important or urgent issues to address, or when the time or place may not be right to confront someone, or when more time is needed to make a well prepared rather than a rushed decision, or when it might be appropriate for others to deal with conflict. In these cases, it may make sense not to engage in conflict until pros and cons are considered.
However, taken too far, people with an avoider saboteur may prefer to withdraw from certain issues or interactions, ignore conflict, avoid disagreement, or delay confrontation rather than deal with it. They are often introverts who may be inclined to observe a situation and hold back their thoughts and feelings, they may be perceived as passive or weak, i.e. having low assertiveness and lacking the confidence needed to deal with conflict.
People with the avoider saboteur may be inclined to procrastinate on unpleasant tasks, which will become more unpleasant as their deadline approaches. By avoiding conflict, they may agree to things that they do not actually desire and may develop a pattern of passive aggressiveness behaviour.
Avoider tendencies could be intensified by early life experiences. Harsh punishments by an overpowering family member may have created a sense that disagreements should be avoided, impacting on the individual’s assertiveness. In corporate life, people in subordinate positions may avoid arguing against the views of people in positions of power, particularly in high power-distance countries with autocratic leadership styles where it may not be safe to challenge a person in authority for fear of retribution. In patriarchal societies, women may be less willing to go against anything their male superior says or does.
Unresolved relationship conflict will fester, generating anxiety, suppressed anger and resentment. Even when they realise that acting would be better than avoiding conflict, they may be emotionally paralysed by fear, and lack the energy required to proactively resolve it. By choosing not to address feelings, views or goals, relationships are kept superficial. Ultimately, the avoider saboteur promises a peaceful and enjoyable life and delivers the exact opposite.
How strong is the avoider in you?
How is your avoider saboteur holding you back in your business or career?
Luca Dondi is a certified professional coach, helping people enhance and realise their unexpressed potential, by leveraging business experience and accredited training. Get in touch for a free coaching session.