Do you have a strong desire to be liked and be helpful?
Do you find it hard to turn down someone’s request for a favour?
Do you tend to agree with other people because you want to be liked?
Is your schedule filled with activities you think other people want you to do, and you struggle to have time for yourself?
Are you afraid of conflict or bothering other people?
Do you crave for compliments?
If your answers to most of these questions is yes, you may have what Shirzad Chamine refers to as a pleaser saboteur in his Positive Intelligence book (2012). People with a pleaser saboteur tend to be emotionally self-aware, empathic, easy-going, helpful, they will be the first to volunteer when something needs to be done. They are loving and giving and do not want to hurt anybody’s feelings, so they will usually go with the flow and be perceived as likeable and agreeable. Even when they disagree, they will show good social skills by listening politely to other people’s opinions. They have the potential for high emotional intelligence. Whilst it is good to help others, the pleaser saboteur overuses and abuses a great strength that these people have, i.e. empathy, and turns it into a weakness.
They think more about the needs of others and not enough about their own needs, they are consummate givers because they think that by giving, they are going to be liked and accepted. They often have deep insecurity and think they are not worthy of love for whom they are, they need to earn love. They try hard to please others and they may even become too forceful or intrusive in trying to help others. Their desire to make others happy makes it hard for them to establish healthy boundaries with others.
They may develop feelings of resentment because they give away too much and do not think of themselves enough, or feelings of guilt if they think they are letting someone down. They don’t want to be selfish, they want to be a good person, but in doing so, they may find themselves to say yes to things they do not actually want to do, or do not have time for. They may allow others to take advantage of them or treat them poorly; by failing to speak up and pretending to agree with others because they want to be liked, they may engage in behaviour that goes against their values.
Some people seem to be pre-wired to develop a pleaser saboteur, which could be intensified by a particular childhood, for example, an unhappy home with high conflict or with parents offering little affection or attention. Most people have had a pleaser saboteur at some point in their lives; especially when we were young, we tended to please our parents or teachers; we obeyed our parents and wanted to receive love from them because our survival depended on them. Later in life, this pattern of behaviour can become unhealthy.
At work, people with a pleaser saboteur may be afraid to voice their opinions, be inclined to follow suggestions from others and avoid conflict rather than stand up for what they really believe in. By trying to be all things to all people to avoid disappointing others, they may struggle to reach their full potential. Without boundaries, they may become subservient to their boss. By putting other people first and over giving, they disregard themselves and burn out.
How strong is the pleaser in you?
How is your pleaser saboteur holding you back in your business or career?
Luca Dondi is a certified professional coach, helping people enhance and realise their unexpressed potential, by leveraging business experience and accredited training. Get in touch for a free coaching session.